09 September 2007

And the Lightbulb Engages

I'm sure most of you know my struggles over the years with feeling adequate and competent as a mother. Well, yesterday I had an epiphany.

It all started out at about 7 a.m. when I could feel I was going to pass another kidney stone. I got up, took some medication for the pain and made breakfast. Pretty much all I did after that was lay around taking Percocet. I did finish a small ball I'm making for my grandmother's cat to play with and I managed to stop moaning and get off the couch long enough to make lunch and get out the fixings for dinner. Meanwhile the pain is getting worse and worse and the Percocet is not really helping, it's just making me sleepy. So of course Del takes over. He's pretty much got the kids. About 6 p.m. Del takes the three oldest girls grocery shopping. Right after Del leaves with the girls and I sit up to feed Lily I feel a hurl coming on. I deposit Lily in her bassinette and rush to the kitchen sink where lunch reappears most violently. I cut up potatoes and start dinner. Del gets home with the girls and I very slowly eat a small piece of the challah I made the other day and drink a few sips of cranberry juice. At precisely 8 p.m. the rest of lunch and my lovely challah aren't looking too lovely in the toilet. Del is, at this point, feeding the girls dinner and contemplating rushing me to the emergency room. I did check on webMD though and they said it was common to be vomitting while passing kidney stones. At this point though I'm a total wreck. It maybe be due to my poor bladder having just suffered though having a baby but every time I vomit I'm peeing my pants. So I'm sweating, crying, vomitting, peeing my pants and passing a kidney stone all in a Percocet induced stupor. At 10 the girls are finally in bed and I'm vomitting again. Somehow I feed Lily and get her to go to sleep. I take another round of pain killers and manage to fall asleep on the couch, completely exhausted. Meanwhile what do you think Del is doing? Playing video games (he did clean up the dining room table though, read the kids a book and put them to bed). I woke up about 12:30 a.m., looked around and the house is totally destroyed and the kitchen looks like a tornado hit it. For some reason the pain killers have kicked in and I think I'm past the worst of the pain and feeling pretty darn good. This is where the epiphany comes in: they do need me around here. I have a job that no one else can do. I know that cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen and picking up the living room doesn't really seem like it's all that important but it's not Del's job. He could do it if I were to die I'm sure, but I'm not dead and that's my job. I got all sorts of warm fuzzies from this. I went to bed and was up 15 minutes later because I had promised Ella I'd make cinnamon rolls if I were feeling better. So here I am at 1 in the morning savoring my role, as humble as it is.


Marie said...

wow, that sounds horrible. but hard to think of it as regrettable since you got so much out of the experience. it reminds me of when caleb was about 4 days old and i got that stomach flu and was up all night vomiting and pooping and still somehow managed to feed caleb. i'd feed him then immediately vomit and poop. and everytime i think of that, it makes me feel like a good mom. just to know that when things get really bad, you *will* do what you need to do and not roll over and give up. and making cinnamon rolls at 1 am? how could you ever doubt that you're a good mom?

Johanna said...

Wow, that is a really good "lightbulb" moment. When I had ppd after Ethan, I really wondered how much good I was as a mother and a wife because I did lay on the couch so many days, and Jerry did keep things together. All I managed to do well was feed Ethan! When it finally lifted, I realized that I felt worse because I wasn't fulfilling my God given role in my home. Isn't it amazing that doing what feels like meaningless work like vacuuming, ironing, and doing dishes makes us and our whole family feel so much better? God sure has an amazing design for us, and when we are willing to do what he planned, life is good.

You are an amazing mom - thanks for sharing that story with us. And I hope you are feeling better today. I will be praying for you today, as I am sure that even if your stone has passed, you must be exhausted.

Kainoa said...

OH MY GOSH..you poor thing. I just can't even imagine what you went through. I really admire you for all that you did. I cannot believe that you were making cinnamon roll dough at one in the morning.....Hope you get some rest and feel better soon!

Jo said...

i can't believe you guys weren't laughing more. i'm reading this and laughing my head off. i mean, what a wreck i was, i was such a wreck it's funny. how can one person be such a wreck without it being completely funny. at some point the ridiculous engages and laughter must ensue or you go crazy.

it was a good moment though. i like those. i think they should come more often than once a year or once every other year though.

and you're right johanna. i feel much better about my abilities as a mother and i am much more confident in myself when my house is clean and a stranger can knock on the door and i won't be ashamed to let them use my bathroom. YIKES! LOL

Jo said...

my favorite part of the "stomach flu incident" was that you guys kept telling us that it was food poisoning and then we get to our apartment and the next thing you know we're taking the kids to the emergency room for iv fluids because they're pooping and vomitting so much! lolololol!!!!! that's another one of those things that seems awful at the time but is hilarious now. what a comedy of errors that was. thanks for the flu, though marie, it was lovely sharing viruses with you.

Kainoa said...

Actually it was kinda funny in the end after the whole story and then the picture of you at the end making cinnamon rolls at 1 in the morning...what the?????? That was the crowning moment! You went through the wringer and yet you still were thinking of your children...what a great mom!!!