I'm sure most of you know my struggles over the years with feeling adequate and competent as a mother. Well, yesterday I had an epiphany.
It all started out at about 7 a.m. when I could feel I was going to pass another kidney stone. I got up, took some medication for the pain and made breakfast. Pretty much all I did after that was lay around taking Percocet. I did finish a small ball I'm making for my grandmother's cat to play with and I managed to stop moaning and get off the couch long enough to make lunch and get out the fixings for dinner. Meanwhile the pain is getting worse and worse and the Percocet is not really helping, it's just making me sleepy. So of course Del takes over. He's pretty much got the kids. About 6 p.m. Del takes the three oldest girls grocery shopping. Right after Del leaves with the girls and I sit up to feed Lily I feel a hurl coming on. I deposit Lily in her bassinette and rush to the kitchen sink where lunch reappears most violently. I cut up potatoes and start dinner. Del gets home with the girls and I very slowly eat a small piece of the challah I made the other day and drink a few sips of cranberry juice. At precisely 8 p.m. the rest of lunch and my lovely challah aren't looking too lovely in the toilet. Del is, at this point, feeding the girls dinner and contemplating rushing me to the emergency room. I did check on webMD though and they said it was common to be vomitting while passing kidney stones. At this point though I'm a total wreck. It maybe be due to my poor bladder having just suffered though having a baby but every time I vomit I'm peeing my pants. So I'm sweating, crying, vomitting, peeing my pants and passing a kidney stone all in a Percocet induced stupor. At 10 the girls are finally in bed and I'm vomitting again. Somehow I feed Lily and get her to go to sleep. I take another round of pain killers and manage to fall asleep on the couch, completely exhausted. Meanwhile what do you think Del is doing? Playing video games (he did clean up the dining room table though, read the kids a book and put them to bed). I woke up about 12:30 a.m., looked around and the house is totally destroyed and the kitchen looks like a tornado hit it. For some reason the pain killers have kicked in and I think I'm past the worst of the pain and feeling pretty darn good. This is where the epiphany comes in: they do need me around here. I have a job that no one else can do. I know that cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen and picking up the living room doesn't really seem like it's all that important but it's not Del's job. He could do it if I were to die I'm sure, but I'm not dead and that's my job. I got all sorts of warm fuzzies from this. I went to bed and was up 15 minutes later because I had promised Ella I'd make cinnamon rolls if I were feeling better. So here I am at 1 in the morning savoring my role, as humble as it is.